Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mommy's Letter to Chloe

Dearest Chloe Faith,

Precious baby girl, oh how the thought of you makes my heart smile and overflow with love and joy. Hearing, writing or speaking your name reminds me of the treasured gift you are.

Chloe, I have dreamed of being your mommy my whole life. I've never wanted anything more. I don't understand why our time together was so short, yet I value every moment. I know you are in a much better place. The best place you could be - in the arms of Jesus and my mom. Yet, we miss you so and long for the life we missed out on. Hearing you laugh, seeing you sleep, smile, play, dance - live.

Everything is different now that you are gone. Nothing will be as we planned - Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas or September 4 when you were due. We are different now because of you. Our lives are forever changed. Our hearts are marked with your hand and foot prints forever.

Thank you for the way you touched our lives and the lives of so many. Chloe, people have been praying for you all over the country. That such a tiny little girl could inspire so many people to pray and show acts of love to us is amazing. You have touched so many people Chloe, and I know your story will continue to inspire.

My friend, Lynne, had a picture of you in Heaven. You were walking with Jesus and picking out your future brother or sister. And Jesus just looked at you and smiled as you walked along. Was it like that, Chloe?

I picture you walking with Jesus holding your left hand and my mom holding your right hand. You are beaming and laughing as you take quick little steps and they lift you in the air to swing from their hands. You giggle and glow and want to do it over and over again. And Jesus and mom love you so much and take such good care of you that they just keep walking and playing. Is it like that Chloe?

I want every moment for you to be filled with joy, wholeness and giggles. And that's exactly how I imagine it is. I know you are in the right place because your life on Earth wouldn't have been like that. I don't know that I'll ever understand this side of Heaven why it had to be that way. But I trust God and know He loves you even more than we do and knows what is best.

Ask Jesus to tell you all about your Daddy. Chloe, he is so funny. And it means so much to him to be your Daddy. He has been waiting a long time to be your Daddy too. He light ups when he talks to you or about you. He couldn't wait to meet you and take care of you. He is such a joker that I know you would have had such fun together. You are his precious baby girl and your bond with your Daddy is more special than I can even fathom. But I see how much it means to him every time he talks about you. It touches my heart so and makes me love both of you even more, which doesn't seem possible, and yet it is. Chloe, our hearts have grown because of you. We can love more because of you.

I can't wait to see your face - here on Earth and in Heaven. You are 100% restored and healthy in Heaven and that is a picture my heart longs to see. In the meantime, we will treasure the short time we still have with you here. Making memories every moment.

We love you sweet girl. Thank you for changing our lives forever.



Randie Sanders said...

Saw your post on my blog...I am very glad my words touched you. I am so so deeply sorry for your loss. I have a very good friend who has lost two children :( and now her nephew was stillborn at 35 weeks. I havent had this happen myself but I know the face of your grief and you are SO right it is definately an accomplishment to go to the grocery store...and every breath you take for that matter. I hope you can feel God "carrying" you through this storm.

Sara said...

Dear Kirsten and Jose,

It was painful to read of your grief and pain, and uplifting to see your amazing receptivity to the unchangiing truth of God's faoithfulness and work in his children's lives, and especially in creating each one with a plan. It has been inspiring. I only read all this today, finally getting a sense of space to read through email related things.
Your courageous simple and uninhibited sharing fills us in and we are touched to be allowed to share your experience and pain. Although you found it hard to go out in the neighborhood physically, you found strength and courage to put it out there in words, honestly ans simply, to point all of us who read it to the unchanging reality of God;s loving presence in our lives when things feel seem so wrong in our circumstances. Like MArtha, many of us have looked at God in bewilderment at some point or the other and said, "Lord if you had been here...(such and such) would not have happened" or we feel unlovable, or unholy or that our sinfulness caused the problem.. Thank you for bravely sharing all that you experience.. it helps us to continue to trust God in our dark moments. All the scripture you soaked up came out as God's reassuring messages tp you.. (and to us)--- continue to receive his love each day. (There are thousands i our cities here overwhelmed with grief pain loss..shame, , anger at one's situation, at including myself,at times- finding it hard at times of lowness to step out and be in the company of others more blessed in some way or the other..but God reminds us of his faithfulness, ( thank you for being one of the channels for that ) and he has you my beloved sister and brother in the palms of His hands. When we have a physical injury, a cut, a wound, a broken bone, we know we are getting over it, the 'big ones' take longer but they are still healing. ( Example my fractures.. smile!!..I just have to be patient and wait for it to take its time..) I only say this as an analogy for the grief you are wondering about Kirsten...I just rejoice that you are healing, and that as you heal, you are in the best and most loving Hands... You are entitled to rest and hide and recuperate...and in time you will go forth singing and planting seed in his kingdom.. weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning.. as surely as there has been a night,(grief) there will be a morning (end of grieving, restorating of light, resumption of activity, happiness and the opportunity to enjoy the company of others..)

thank you for all that you guys have been to us..inspiration in word, thought and deed...God continhue to bless and comfort.