Wednesday, May 21, 2008

1 Month

I feel a little guilty for posting such random thoughts. The posts I like to read are eloquent and uplifting. This one is not.

Monday was one month since Chloe was delivered. I think I had my emotional breakdown on Friday because I was so nervous and anxious in anticipation of Monday. I was a wreck on Friday but since then I have been doing pretty well. Spending time with friends has kept me busy and my mind occupied. It is strange. Most of the time when I'm busy, I don't think about my grief and all my feelings. I almost feel normal. And then I remember that one month isn't much time at all. I think I still move in and out of denial and that is why I am able to function well at times.

We went to church over the weekend and the topic was "The Eye of the Storm." It was so timely. I realized my mind is working overtime in a big way. During the service my mind kept wondering about Chloe. Then I would scold myself, "Why are you thinking about this, pay attention!" Then I remembered, the topic was the storms of life and we are in the midst of one. It was normal and good to connect my feelings and experience with the message. Too frequently I am hard on myself as I try to figure out what stage of grief I'm in, if I'm doing it right, if I'm moving through it and making progress toward healing. I put so much pressure on myself. I want to figure out where I am in the grief cycle so I can determine how far away I am from the end. When I'll feel "whole" again. But it doesn't work that way. I understand that intellectually, and yet my brain keeps playing the same game. Am I "there" yet? Am I done with this pain? Am I "OK" again? It just doesn't work that way, unfortunately. Plus, it has only been a month and grief takes time.

Even though my mind works overtime like that too often, I'm still in a mental fog most of the time. I can't think of the question I was going to ask or the topic we were just discussing. My mind goes completely blank. There are so many feelings and thoughts under the surface, yet it is like my brain is on overload so it just shuts down. I try to write an email and I can't find the words. I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I feel disconnected from myself. It is so strange. I don't like it.

We went to the baseball game on Sunday and there were so many adorable children. I was glad that I didn't feel jealous or angry. Instead, I was longing for one of my own. I thought about how great it will be for us to have a healthy baby to love. I don't think it was a longing for Chloe because I know that she is in a better place. Things would be so different if she hadn't been so sick. Of course I wish things could have been different and that she could be born on Sep. 4 perfect and healthy. But that wasn't an option.

When I have these thoughts, I ask myself again, "am I grieving correctly?" Am I really longing for a future child or am I in denial about Chloe's death? I jump way ahead. Physically I'm not ready to get pregnant, so why do I need to have all these answers right now? I guess I want to control something that is out of my control. Instead of putting pressure on myself, I have to stop and remind myself - people who are trying to avoid grief probably don't ask themselves these questions. I'm over thinking it way too much.

This feels like a bunch of rambling that doesn't make sense. But I needed to get some of this out of my head. It doesn't make any more sense now that I see it in front of me, but at least it isn't rattling around in my brain anymore. Thanks for letting me "dump."

5 comments:

Corie said...

Keep talking! You are rambling as much as any of us. Praying for you today at the one month mark and many marks ahead.

Kenzie said...

Kirsten-

Oh my goodness girl, everything you are feeling is totally normal and I definitely don't think you are in denial, although I questioned that many times myself. Grief is so different for each person, as you well understand. It is completely normal to have that longing and know that I will be praying for you that the Lord will fill your arms with a child He has designed to stay with you. You are doing amazing and this is just the place to share everything... you are precious and although what you write doesn't seem "uplifting", you are demonstrating your way of grief as you continue to keep your focus on the Lord. I think the Lord is completely honored by the way you continue to seek after Him in such a storm in your life. He loves you, and Chloe, so much!

God bless you and praying for you often!
Kenzie

boltefamily said...

Kirsten,

You may feel as though you are rambling but this post made complete and total sense to me. I am a few months ahead of you on this journey and I still feel that way. Please know I am loving you and praying for you from afar!

Thank you so much for your comment today. It actually made me feel a little bit more normal. :-)

Much Love,
Kristy

Pipsylou said...

Just wanted you to know our situations are different but you are not alone.

Never, ever alone.

sumi said...

You are making sense to me too. :-)I am still trying to figure out where I am supposed to be as well.

On the good days I wonder if I am in denial and on the bad days I wonder if I will ever feel hopeful again.

Many hugs, and prayers,
Sumi