Friday, March 20, 2009

11 Months

It has been amazing to receive so many emails, comments and well wishes about our pregnancy. It is humbling to hear how many people are interested in our story. Thank you for walking with us through the hard days and now the hope filled days. We are more appreciative than we can express.

It has been a difficult week. Yesterday was 11 months since Chloe was delivered. Wed. was the 24 anniversary of my mom's death. And it was the end of March last year when we found out Chloe was sick. It is a lot all at one time. Anticipating the 1 year anniversary of her death. Remembering. Missing her. Thinking about what the future holds.

There are still moments of fear about the future. I am hopeful, but also aware that things often don't turn out the way I plan. It feels like a jumbled mess of emotions, hormones and tears sometimes. I keep reminding myself that we'll get through it. If we could get through living it last year, we can get through remembering it this year. I'm just sad.

I know that I'll never forget Chloe. But I also recognize that life fills up over time. I miss my mom so much, especially at times like this, yet the pain and the loss are different now than they were 24 years ago. I'm grateful for the healing that has taken place since her loss. But it made me think, what will I remember about Chloe 24 years from now? It won't be as fresh in my mind. I'll have additional Labor & Delivery memories, grown children, grand nieces & will look very different. I wonder where Chloe will fit in then?

This is my crazy mind jumping forward way beyond what I can fathom. And it is probably part of the grief process. I remember similar feelings of fear after losing my mom. Will I forget her? And of course, I never could. And I know I'll never forget Chloe. Letting go is difficult. And I guess as we begin to plan for our new baby, I realize that in some ways I will need to let go a little because my focus will be on our new child. It makes me sad - I wish we could have two little ones to care for.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense. It helps to get it out of my head.

Our next appointment is Monday. We should receive the blood test results from the first trimester screening. Everything looked good in the ultrasound, but it will be nice to have confirmation from the blood work.

Thank you for your prayers. We appreciate them!

Hope you like the music - it only took me 11 months to add the playlist. :o)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

12 Weeks

Thank you to all my sweet friends who have been checking for an update on the blog and commenting that you are praying for us and thinking about us. We appreciate it so much!

I'm not good with keeping secrets, so it was hard to post until now. We are incredibly excited to share that we are 12 weeks pregnant! God is faithful.

There are so many differences with this pregnancy. With Chloe, I felt fear and dread from the very beginning. Even before we knew there were problems, I felt like there was a dark cloud over the pregnancy and that something was going to go wrong. I don't feel that way at all this time. In fact, it is the opposite. I feel peace and assurance that everything is going to be OK. It is strange. Of course, these feelings are definitely not scientific - the only way I can explain the current peace is that it is from God. After what we have been through it is the only explanation.

The other difference is the amount of morning sickness I'm experiencing and how tired I am. Both are more extreme this time. I'm hoping they will pass soon, if not, they'll be gone around September 28 when the baby is due. :o)

To say that there haven't been moments of fear and anxiety would be untrue. Last week was particularly difficult. I had the first trimester screening done on Friday (ultrasound and blood work). This was particularly difficult because this is the test that alerted us to the problems with Chloe. And it was March last year when we found out how sick she was. God's timing doesn't always make sense to me, but I know it is perfect.

The blood work results won't be in for 10 days, but the ultrasound results were good. Really good. There is no cystic hygroma and the thickness on the back of the babies neck is normal (Chloe had both and they are strong indicators of Down Syndrome). We didn't have any reason to believe that there would be a problem, but it is such a relief to know that things look good so far.

The Genetics Counselor that we worked with last time came in during the ultrasound and was happy to hear the results too. It is amazing how many people remember our story - even use Chloe's name when we see them. It is so touching.

I feel pretty emotional most days - the pregnancy, anticipation of the 1 year anniversary of Chloe's delivery, the anniversary of my Mom's death this month and regular life stuff. I find the tears just start flowing. Maybe because of something that is on t.v., but I know deep down that they are tears for much more. It's really hard. I have a lot to be hopeful for, but it is still hard. The positive results on Friday were a huge relief.

The baby is due September 28 - my mom's birthday. Jose's 40th birthday is September 25. And Chloe's due date was September 4. It will be another emotional month - but a wonderful month.

For those of you have have followed our story, you'll remember the moms I met in Atlanta who had also experienced the loss of a child. They were a huge comfort and encouragement to me each step of our journey. They were gathering in June in Atlanta for a Beth Moore conference on the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of Miller Grace's passing. Miller Grace's mommy, Emily, had coordinated the get together and the mommies came together from several states. I happened to be in Atlanta the same weekend and was able to meet the ladies face to face - what a blessing! That is why I refer to it as the Miracle Mommy Meeting. See the picture on the right side of the blog.

It brings (more) tears to my eyes to share that all the women from the Miracle Mommy Meeting are either pregnant or already have a new baby in their arms. It is incredible - it has been less than a year and look how God has brought such restoration. There really are no words to describe how amazing God has been to replace our mourning with joy so soon.

We have been holding on to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And He has been faithful to fulfill His promise. We have hope for today and a future that includes a healthy baby due in September. We are blessed.

Thank you for your prayers and for checking in on us. You encourage us. The next month in particular will include lots of emotional ups and downs. We appreciate your prayers as we take one day at a time. God bless you!