I thought I was doing pretty well. In fact, the 19th almost passed without me noticing that it was 5 months since Chloe was delivered. I think I was so focused on my due date that the 19th almost seemed like any other day.
Then at church on Sunday, the tears just started flowing. And flowing. And flowing. It was good to have the release. I've been so busy, when I finally slowed down long enough the sadness and loss came flowing out.
There was a little baby in a stroller sitting behind us. It reminded me that if things had happened the way that we had planned, that I wouldn't even be sitting in that seat. I would be in the cry room with my baby in my arms. I would be tired from lack of sleep. I would be captivated by the little bundle of life that I have always wanted. I would be dreaming of prom night, wedding days, and grandchildren - even though my daughter wouldn't even be one month old yet. I would have endless hopes and dreams for the future and all that it holds for my baby girl.
Things didn't work out quite like I had planned. And that makes me really sad. That sentence seems insufficient in truly explaining how sad I feel. And yet, they are the only words that come to mind.
I feel the loss in a different way not that my due date has passed. Now it feels real. Now I can tell how different life is without Chloe.
Being pregnant wasn't what I wanted most. I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to love and raise a precious little child into a wonderful adult. I know that opportunity will be here again. I'm just sad that it isn't happening now, with Chloe.
Last week I was shopping in Target and for the first time, when I noticed the cute baby clothes, I didn't avert my eyes and try to change the subject in my mind. Instead, I looked at the clothes with confidence, faith and belief that I will have a healthy baby and be the mommy that I've always dreamed of being. Although I'm not shopping for those baby clothes right now, I will be some day - hopefully next year. It may not seem like a big deal, but it was a big deal for me. To deeply feel that the promise of a healthy child would be in our near future.
I have been encouraged by so many women who have spoken words of hope, faith, love and comfort to me. After we received the diagnosis, those words sustained me when I felt too weak to keep it together. I feel like today I'm hanging on those promises again. With grief their are good days and bad days - it is all part of the process. Today is one of the bad days.
I'm so thankful that so many of you take the time to read this blog and encourage me on the bad days. God bless you for that!
5 months ago