Monday, June 8, 2009

1 Year Birthday

For some reason, maybe because I know it will be so emotional, I have avoided posting about Chloe's 1st birthday. Maybe it makes it more real that it has been 1 year if I write about it. There are times when it is still hard to wrap my head around what we went through last year.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us on April 19 and the days leading up to it. We truly felt your prayers and God's comfort and peace the entire day. It was a huge blessing.

It was a special day that we spent remembering Chloe and talking about her. We took it easy without any major plans. We were in San Diego so I went down to the pool to be quiet and journal in the same journal that has recorded all of the entries about Chloe. I flipped back to some entries from the prior year, but I didn't read much. It was so raw that I knew I would fall apart if I went back to that place and I didn't want to be a wreck all day. I didn't want to be in a dark place on her birthday - I wanted to celebrate the short life she lived on earth. I wanted to smile because I knew she was smiling and having a great time in Heaven.

We went to breakfast, thought about going to the San Diego Zoo, but decided against it. We drove back home along the coast and just experienced whatever came our way. It was a good way for us to spend the day. The only thing I didn't do, which I'd like to do in the future, is have a birthday cake.

Making it through the 1 year mark was a big deal. Getting through all the "firsts" was a challenge at time. I felt a huge relief on April 20. We had survived an entire year, I felt like if we could do the first year, we could get through the rest. And I was surprised at how I was able to enjoy my birthday on April 22. Last year it was such a blurr.

God really worked a miracle by giving me a grateful perspective on Chloe's birthday. Instead of being angry, I was grateful and thankful for Chloe, even though our time with her was so short. Honestly, I think the fact that we have a new baby on the way makes a huge difference. If that wasn't the case, I think there would be more anger. Instead I can focus my energy on what I'm grateful for - Chloe's little sister and the fact that we will be better parents because of Chloe.

All is going wonderfully with the new baby. Today I'm 24 weeks.We had an ultrasound last week and everything looks perfect. It was hysterical, she yawned and we got to see her mouth stretch wide open. So cute. She is moving like crazy. I love every minute. I never felt Chloe move so each little kick is treasured.

There are still moments of fear, when I think of 100 things that could go wrong. But I try to capture those thoughts and remember that God has a plan for this baby and for us (Jeremiah 29:11). I'm trusting in Him, even when my trust feels shaky. I know He is faithful and loves us.

Thank you for checking in on us and for praying for us and our new baby. We are blessed that people take time to read about our family and pray for us. You are more of a blessing than you could ever know!


Colleen said...

Enjoy all of those kicks! I am having my baby tomorrow and I am so sad that I won't get to feel the miracle of having a little life inside of me again. It is so amazing and probably my favorite thing about pregnancy! And as I write this, my little one is wiggling all over the place! Take care sister and I will talk to you soon!

Kenzie said...

I'm so thankful that her birthday was sweet and not totally overwhelming. I totally agree with you that a new pregnancy or new child in your arms does seem to make a big difference. Of course I don't know any different, but I can imagine that there would be many OTHER emotions on such a hard day. I'm so glad you're feeling well and this new little sweet girl is growing and kicking and moving all about. I've thought a lot about you lately!! Praying that you continue to feel well and anxiously awaiting to you to hold her in your arms- big, healthy and full of life.

Love you girl!

Corie said...

Thank you for the update. So glad that her birthday went well. Looking forward to seeing her sister.

Kim ( said...

Dear Kirsten,
Just making it to the computer but was thinking of you and sweet girl on Chloe Faith's birthday. I can't believe she's a year! I am glad the day was okay for you.
I hardly make it to the computer anymore and for sure am behind on checking up on everyone, but please know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, your sweet girl and continue to pray for your new little one.
With love friend,

Kim ( said...

Thinking of you Kirsten and your new sweet girl. Just wanted you to know. I hope you are doing well and still loving every minute of the pregnancy.
Love you,

Carla said...

You have such a sweet spirit and your blog so reflects that.
I think you are right when you said if you can survive the first year you can survive the years to follow. I would have to agree with you. Although she will be in your heart for a lifetime the first year is definately the hardest/ least it was that way for me. With each year my perspective and my grief evolved into something new..something less painful.
God Bless you and your new little girl that will be in your arms very soon.

The Morris Family said...

its been a long time since I came by. its been 2 1/2 years since Joel, and the pain is still there, but there are days I feel not so heavy as I am sure you know too. we will never be the same, but thankfully we have a God that is the Same yesterday, today and forever!!


boltefamily said...

just checking on are you?