Thursday, April 16, 2009

Almost 1 year

Today I woke up sad - again. This whole month has been difficult, and this week in particular. Sunday will be one year since I delivered Chloe Faith. I can't believe it has been an entire year. It is still hard to believe that this is our real life. It still seems so unimaginable. But it did happen. The tears prove it. The scars prove it. The pain proves it.

I was crying this morning when Jose' reminded me of the date. I have been so focused on April 19 that I didn't think about where we were last year on April 16. The minute he said it, I knew where the tears were coming from. Deep down I remembered, but I have been trying to push all those feelings down so that I can get through the week.

Last year on April 16, we found out that Chloe's heart was no longer beating.

We don't know if that is the day she went to Heaven or if she left us before that. But that is the day it became real that she was gone. As strange as it sounds, it was still comforting to know that she was physically still with us. She and I were still connected and I was grateful for that, because I knew it wouldn't last.

April 19 was the day that she was delivered. As we look toward Sunday, I still don't know how to refer to the anniversary. Is it still a birth if it the baby is stillborn? We never received a Birth Certificate - I don't think they issue them for stillborn babies. She was only 20 weeks old - is it still a "birthday"? I don't know the answers and I hate that I even have the questions. No parent should ever have to ask themselves these questions.

I get so frustrated and angry and then I remember, it isn't the answers that I want. I want her. I wish that things could have turned out differently and that we were enjoying a 7 month old baby instead of crying.

At the same time, I realize that we wouldn't have been changed for the better if it wasn't for Chloe and the journey we took because of her. And I'm so grateful for how she changed our lives. And we wouldn't be pregnant with this baby if things had gone as planned.

Grief is such a mixture of emotions. It feels so confusing and overwhelming sometimes. We have made lots of progress, but this is the last major "first" we have to walk through. And it is a big one. September 4 was tough, it was her original due date. But this is different. This is harder.

If you would pray for us this weekend, we would appreciate it. Please pray that we would be able to support and comfort each other as we grieve (sometimes differently). That we would allow ourselves to feel whatever comes up and remember the blessings in the midst of the pain.

We are going to San Diego to get away. It will be a nice change of scenery that will hopefully be peaceful and relaxing.

Quick baby update - I'm almost 17 weeks. The first trimester blood tests came back wonderful! They took the second trimester tests last week. I have a prenatal visit on Monday and an ultrasound on Wed. We are praying that things are progressing well and normally with the baby. And if God wants to let us know what we are having we would be thrilled to know if it is a boy or girl. This week is tough, but we are hopeful that next week will give us lots of reasons to be joyful.

Thank you for your prayers and for checking in on us.


Sharleen said...

Will be praying for you as the 19th appraoches, as well as through your pregnancy.

Corie said...

Praying for your time away and for Chloes Faiths sibling!

boltefamily said...

Thinking of you and praying...hoping your ultrasound went well!

Love ya!

Rachel said...

Kirsten - thinking of you and praying.

Check out the MISS foundation online to see if CA is a state that offers "Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth" Because of the abortion industry/lobbyists, we don't get birth certificates - but some states have passed legislation to issue Certificates of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. I'll look for you too, while I'm thinking of it.

Rachel said...

Kirsten - CA did pass the bill to get the certificates.

Here's the info.

You'll probably need to go online to CA's department of health to apply for one.

I hope this helps make Chloe's Heaven Day and Birth Day a little easier.

densgirl96 said...

Praying for your sweet family as you experience this first anniversary of meeting Chloe face to face. Asking God to do something extraordinary this weekend that illustrates his great love for all of you!

In Christ,

Debbie said...

We will continue to prayer for you and your beautiful family.

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

I could have written this post myself last month. My daughter was stillborn at 20 weeks. Her first birthday was last month on March 5th. I also wondered if it was her "birthday" because she wasn't born alive.

It IS her birthday, and it's OK to celebrate her.

Thinking of your sweet Chloe on her birthday.

Karin said...

I'm sure this has been a tough weekend. I am thinking of you guys and praying for you. I am so glad to hear everything is going well with your pregnancy!

The Morris Family said...

How wonderful the Lord has blessed you with a fruitful womb. May He give grace as you rejoice and yet shed tears.

Erica said...

I hope that you are doing okay. I know how hard the 1 year anniversary was... I am glad to hear that your pregnancy is going well...Hugs to you!

Rebekah said...

Just wanted to let you know that you have been in my prayers. I know that Chloes Birthday and Heaven Day was a difficult day to face, but I pray that you only felt peace and God's presence on that day.

Emily said...

Hey girl. You've been on my heart. I'm praying and hoping all is well with you and that sweet baby!