Today I woke up sad - again. This whole month has been difficult, and this week in particular. Sunday will be one year since I delivered Chloe Faith. I can't believe it has been an entire year. It is still hard to believe that this is our real life. It still seems so unimaginable. But it did happen. The tears prove it. The scars prove it. The pain proves it.
I was crying this morning when Jose' reminded me of the date. I have been so focused on April 19 that I didn't think about where we were last year on April 16. The minute he said it, I knew where the tears were coming from. Deep down I remembered, but I have been trying to push all those feelings down so that I can get through the week.
Last year on April 16, we found out that Chloe's heart was no longer beating.
We don't know if that is the day she went to Heaven or if she left us before that. But that is the day it became real that she was gone. As strange as it sounds, it was still comforting to know that she was physically still with us. She and I were still connected and I was grateful for that, because I knew it wouldn't last.
April 19 was the day that she was delivered. As we look toward Sunday, I still don't know how to refer to the anniversary. Is it still a birth if it the baby is stillborn? We never received a Birth Certificate - I don't think they issue them for stillborn babies. She was only 20 weeks old - is it still a "birthday"? I don't know the answers and I hate that I even have the questions. No parent should ever have to ask themselves these questions.
I get so frustrated and angry and then I remember, it isn't the answers that I want. I want her. I wish that things could have turned out differently and that we were enjoying a 7 month old baby instead of crying.
At the same time, I realize that we wouldn't have been changed for the better if it wasn't for Chloe and the journey we took because of her. And I'm so grateful for how she changed our lives. And we wouldn't be pregnant with this baby if things had gone as planned.
Grief is such a mixture of emotions. It feels so confusing and overwhelming sometimes. We have made lots of progress, but this is the last major "first" we have to walk through. And it is a big one. September 4 was tough, it was her original due date. But this is different. This is harder.
If you would pray for us this weekend, we would appreciate it. Please pray that we would be able to support and comfort each other as we grieve (sometimes differently). That we would allow ourselves to feel whatever comes up and remember the blessings in the midst of the pain.
We are going to San Diego to get away. It will be a nice change of scenery that will hopefully be peaceful and relaxing.
Quick baby update - I'm almost 17 weeks. The first trimester blood tests came back wonderful! They took the second trimester tests last week. I have a prenatal visit on Monday and an ultrasound on Wed. We are praying that things are progressing well and normally with the baby. And if God wants to let us know what we are having we would be thrilled to know if it is a boy or girl. This week is tough, but we are hopeful that next week will give us lots of reasons to be joyful.
Thank you for your prayers and for checking in on us.
6 months ago