Friday, March 20, 2009

11 Months

It has been amazing to receive so many emails, comments and well wishes about our pregnancy. It is humbling to hear how many people are interested in our story. Thank you for walking with us through the hard days and now the hope filled days. We are more appreciative than we can express.

It has been a difficult week. Yesterday was 11 months since Chloe was delivered. Wed. was the 24 anniversary of my mom's death. And it was the end of March last year when we found out Chloe was sick. It is a lot all at one time. Anticipating the 1 year anniversary of her death. Remembering. Missing her. Thinking about what the future holds.

There are still moments of fear about the future. I am hopeful, but also aware that things often don't turn out the way I plan. It feels like a jumbled mess of emotions, hormones and tears sometimes. I keep reminding myself that we'll get through it. If we could get through living it last year, we can get through remembering it this year. I'm just sad.

I know that I'll never forget Chloe. But I also recognize that life fills up over time. I miss my mom so much, especially at times like this, yet the pain and the loss are different now than they were 24 years ago. I'm grateful for the healing that has taken place since her loss. But it made me think, what will I remember about Chloe 24 years from now? It won't be as fresh in my mind. I'll have additional Labor & Delivery memories, grown children, grand nieces & will look very different. I wonder where Chloe will fit in then?

This is my crazy mind jumping forward way beyond what I can fathom. And it is probably part of the grief process. I remember similar feelings of fear after losing my mom. Will I forget her? And of course, I never could. And I know I'll never forget Chloe. Letting go is difficult. And I guess as we begin to plan for our new baby, I realize that in some ways I will need to let go a little because my focus will be on our new child. It makes me sad - I wish we could have two little ones to care for.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense. It helps to get it out of my head.

Our next appointment is Monday. We should receive the blood test results from the first trimester screening. Everything looked good in the ultrasound, but it will be nice to have confirmation from the blood work.

Thank you for your prayers. We appreciate them!

Hope you like the music - it only took me 11 months to add the playlist. :o)


boltefamily said...

My next appointment is Monday is a really big one for us too. We have an ultrasound. Anyway, all I can say Kirsten is take it one day at a time and sometimes just one moment at a time. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Just do what feels right and know we are praying you through!

Love you!


Corie said...

It does make sense to me. How do you move forward and yet remember? How do you praise God when it is not what you thought it would be and yet still say it is good? I feel like all make quesions/answers come and go. But He is good...He is there...He answers, comforts and cares. Praying for all your emotions. You are doing this well.

Corie said...
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Kim ( said...

thinking of you and praying for your new baby this morning!
Love you,

Melissa Beth said...

Kiki-Thanks for sharing. Feelings always make sense. Sometimes not good sense but always sense.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

I am so thankful to read about your pregnancy news....and I will be praying for a wonderfully healthy pregnancy. This must be a bittersweet time...for you to be expecting a new life as the anniversary of Chloe's birth draws near. I pray that God will sustain you in this time and give you the comfort and strength you need each day. As for looking into the future and wondering where Chloe will fit in...she will fit exactly in the same exact spot in your heart that she is right now. That spot is hers exclusively and always will be because she will always be your very loved little girl.

With my congratulations and continued prayers.