More

Often I long to post something on the blog. To connect. To reach out. To get the thoughts out of my head. I feel like my brain is a pin ball machine. The thoughts move so quickly from one idea, question, or concern to the next. Boing. Boing. They move so fast that I can barely keep up with them. Sometimes it feels like there are two balls bouncing around at once. I don’t feel relief until the ball stops – when I shoot the words out of my head.

I heard someone say they have a Ferrari mind in a Saturn body – that is how I feel most of the time. The truth is, my mind worked this way before Chloe was born, but now there is another layer of emotions and thoughts that bounce around inside my head. I have to remind myself to stop the madness and be still, pray, and step back to get perspective so I can redirect my thinking. It is a lot of work these days to take every thought captive and try to live in the moment. Trusting that God will take care of our future and that I don't need to know everything in advance.

My weekend was amazing. Alpha Delta Pi Leadership Seminar was in Atlanta from Wednesday through Sunday. It is always wonderful to spend time with my ADPi sisters from around the country and Canada, to get fired up, and gather tons of new ideas. It was that and more.

The more is the part I’d like to share. Eight moms who have shared their stories of loss through their blogs met in Atlanta, GA for the Beth Moore conference. Part of the reason why this is all such a miracle is because I live in CA and they are from TX, PA, TN, NY, etc. They are women I had never met face to face, never heard their voices before, or even knew they existed 3 months ago. Just being with them for an hour was balm to my grieving heart.

Their gathering marked the 1 year anniversary of Miller Grace’s death and was a special time to honor the lives of their sons and daughters who are in Heaven dancing with Jesus. It was beautiful to see them together. It was a miracle to be able to join them and a gracious gift that they were willing to welcome me. I was honored to be with these women who have been an inspiration during my journey. There are no words to describe how meaningful it was to be with them. It was like allowing a visitor into a Ya-Ya Sisterhood secret meeting. Their time was sacred and precious and they allowed me to be part of it. Thank you Kenzie, Emily, Kim, Kristy, Angie, Yvette, Chrissy and Karen. I could never adequately describe how much it meant to be with you.

I couldn’t stop smiling when I was with them. I felt so happy and at peace just being in their presence. If I started to cry I knew I would break down in tears, have blurred vision, and then I couldn’t capture every second in my mind to recall later. So I waited until they left and then it hit me. It was such a precious meeting, but too brief.

The rest of the weekend was filled with seeing friends who knew about Chloe and some who hadn’t even heard I was pregnant. It was a strange balancing act. I wish I could say that I wasn’t trying to balance all of it and that I was able to be “real” all the time, but that wouldn’t be true. I realized quickly that I couldn’t continue to tell the story over and over all weekend. It was too difficult. I love Chloe’s story and I love to talk about her. But recalling and retelling everything over and over so soon after her passing was more than I could handle. There were times when I wanted to talk about her and people may have been afraid to ask or there wasn’t time to adequately share how special and important Chloe’s life was even though it was so short.

There were many times that I felt like if I wasn’t “on” that I would break down in a puddle of tears and not be able to stop crying. And then I might miss something good. I didn’t want to miss a minute. I knew I could break down at home when everything started to sink in. So, here I am, tears flowing. Feeling like an emotional wreck, yet knowing that the tears need to flow in order to heal. And that most of the tears are tears of love, joy, gratitude and praise.

Part of what made the weekend difficult is that when I saw my friends who knew about Chloe their love and support was overwhelming. The way they looked at me, asked how I was doing, and really cared. They were comforting, consoling and loving – just what I needed, but also what overwhelms me. I’m so blessed to have so many beautiful heart friends.

In my mind, there are acquaintances, friends, and heart friends. Heart friends are treasures. The relationship transcends most other friendships and you know when you have a heart friend in an instant. Your heart tells you. There is a feeling that you have experienced something incredible just by connecting with them. You feel it so deeply that you know your friendship will never be the same and that this person will have a special place in your heart forever. Your friendship is special. It is different. It is more.

I’m blessed to have so many heart friends. I’m thankful that because of Chloe, I have friends that have been upgraded to heart friends. Thank you to all my heart friends who reached out with hugs, offers to pray together, looks of confidence and encouragement this weekend. My heart is full because of you.