Letter from Chloe

This poem was written by Sharon Jaynes. I edited to fit our family.

Dear Mommy,

I asked Jesus if it was alright for me to write you a letter. He said it would be OK. First of all, I want to thank you for loving me and for giving me life. I remember how happy you and daddy were when you found out you were going to have me. I remember how you prayed that I would come to know Christ at an early age. I remember how you prayed that I would have a mission in life to help others.

Mom, I know that you and dad were sad when God decided to take me to heaven before I was born. I saw the tears you cried. But mom, I wanted to tell you this: Your prayers were answered. I am healthy. I am strong. I do know Christ, and He lets me sit on his lap every day. And Mom, I do have a mission. Every day new babies come to heaven that were never born. Many of them never knew the love of a mother or father. When they come to heaven, they always ask the same question, "[Chloe], please tell me, what was like to have the love of a mother?" And I can tell them. Oh how I can tell them.

Thank you, mom for loving me. I know you miss me. But one day we will be together and what a time we will have. Until then, imagine me happy and whole, playing at the feet of Jesus, telling other babies what it feels like to have a mommy that loves them.

See you soon,
Baby [Chloe]

Merry Christmas!

Pictures of our Little Princess

Sophia is such a good baby. She rarely fusses and sleeps so well. She is already 10 lbs 7 ozs and she isn't even 2 weeks old yet. It is amazing to fall in love with her more and more each day.

God has blessed us so much. He has been faithful and so good to us. We praise Him daily for this precious gift He has entrusted to us.

Chloe's Baby Sister is here

Baby Sophia Carmen arrived on October 2 at 3:16am. She was 9.15lbs, 19 inches with a full head of hair and little dimple on her left cheek. She is healthy, happy and doing awesome. I'm is still recovering and had a few days in ICU but I'm finally home. Being home with Sophia is the best medicine possible. Thank God she is healthy and such a good baby. We are so blessed.

I'll share more when I'm feeling stronger. I need to save my energy for our precious little gift. Thank you for your prayers and for sharing the new chapter our our story. God had been so faithful to His promises and we are grateful. Jer. 29:11

1 Year Birthday

For some reason, maybe because I know it will be so emotional, I have avoided posting about Chloe's 1st birthday. Maybe it makes it more real that it has been 1 year if I write about it. There are times when it is still hard to wrap my head around what we went through last year.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us on April 19 and the days leading up to it. We truly felt your prayers and God's comfort and peace the entire day. It was a huge blessing.

It was a special day that we spent remembering Chloe and talking about her. We took it easy without any major plans. We were in San Diego so I went down to the pool to be quiet and journal in the same journal that has recorded all of the entries about Chloe. I flipped back to some entries from the prior year, but I didn't read much. It was so raw that I knew I would fall apart if I went back to that place and I didn't want to be a wreck all day. I didn't want to be in a dark place on her birthday - I wanted to celebrate the short life she lived on earth. I wanted to smile because I knew she was smiling and having a great time in Heaven.

We went to breakfast, thought about going to the San Diego Zoo, but decided against it. We drove back home along the coast and just experienced whatever came our way. It was a good way for us to spend the day. The only thing I didn't do, which I'd like to do in the future, is have a birthday cake.

Making it through the 1 year mark was a big deal. Getting through all the "firsts" was a challenge at time. I felt a huge relief on April 20. We had survived an entire year, I felt like if we could do the first year, we could get through the rest. And I was surprised at how I was able to enjoy my birthday on April 22. Last year it was such a blurr.

God really worked a miracle by giving me a grateful perspective on Chloe's birthday. Instead of being angry, I was grateful and thankful for Chloe, even though our time with her was so short. Honestly, I think the fact that we have a new baby on the way makes a huge difference. If that wasn't the case, I think there would be more anger. Instead I can focus my energy on what I'm grateful for - Chloe's little sister and the fact that we will be better parents because of Chloe.

All is going wonderfully with the new baby. Today I'm 24 weeks.We had an ultrasound last week and everything looks perfect. It was hysterical, she yawned and we got to see her mouth stretch wide open. So cute. She is moving like crazy. I love every minute. I never felt Chloe move so each little kick is treasured.

There are still moments of fear, when I think of 100 things that could go wrong. But I try to capture those thoughts and remember that God has a plan for this baby and for us (Jeremiah 29:11). I'm trusting in Him, even when my trust feels shaky. I know He is faithful and loves us.

Thank you for checking in on us and for praying for us and our new baby. We are blessed that people take time to read about our family and pray for us. You are more of a blessing than you could ever know!

Almost 1 year

Today I woke up sad - again. This whole month has been difficult, and this week in particular. Sunday will be one year since I delivered Chloe Faith. I can't believe it has been an entire year. It is still hard to believe that this is our real life. It still seems so unimaginable. But it did happen. The tears prove it. The scars prove it. The pain proves it.

I was crying this morning when Jose' reminded me of the date. I have been so focused on April 19 that I didn't think about where we were last year on April 16. The minute he said it, I knew where the tears were coming from. Deep down I remembered, but I have been trying to push all those feelings down so that I can get through the week.

Last year on April 16, we found out that Chloe's heart was no longer beating.

We don't know if that is the day she went to Heaven or if she left us before that. But that is the day it became real that she was gone. As strange as it sounds, it was still comforting to know that she was physically still with us. She and I were still connected and I was grateful for that, because I knew it wouldn't last.

April 19 was the day that she was delivered. As we look toward Sunday, I still don't know how to refer to the anniversary. Is it still a birth if it the baby is stillborn? We never received a Birth Certificate - I don't think they issue them for stillborn babies. She was only 20 weeks old - is it still a "birthday"? I don't know the answers and I hate that I even have the questions. No parent should ever have to ask themselves these questions.

I get so frustrated and angry and then I remember, it isn't the answers that I want. I want her. I wish that things could have turned out differently and that we were enjoying a 7 month old baby instead of crying.

At the same time, I realize that we wouldn't have been changed for the better if it wasn't for Chloe and the journey we took because of her. And I'm so grateful for how she changed our lives. And we wouldn't be pregnant with this baby if things had gone as planned.

Grief is such a mixture of emotions. It feels so confusing and overwhelming sometimes. We have made lots of progress, but this is the last major "first" we have to walk through. And it is a big one. September 4 was tough, it was her original due date. But this is different. This is harder.

If you would pray for us this weekend, we would appreciate it. Please pray that we would be able to support and comfort each other as we grieve (sometimes differently). That we would allow ourselves to feel whatever comes up and remember the blessings in the midst of the pain.

We are going to San Diego to get away. It will be a nice change of scenery that will hopefully be peaceful and relaxing.

Quick baby update - I'm almost 17 weeks. The first trimester blood tests came back wonderful! They took the second trimester tests last week. I have a prenatal visit on Monday and an ultrasound on Wed. We are praying that things are progressing well and normally with the baby. And if God wants to let us know what we are having we would be thrilled to know if it is a boy or girl. This week is tough, but we are hopeful that next week will give us lots of reasons to be joyful.

Thank you for your prayers and for checking in on us.

11 Months

It has been amazing to receive so many emails, comments and well wishes about our pregnancy. It is humbling to hear how many people are interested in our story. Thank you for walking with us through the hard days and now the hope filled days. We are more appreciative than we can express.

It has been a difficult week. Yesterday was 11 months since Chloe was delivered. Wed. was the 24 anniversary of my mom's death. And it was the end of March last year when we found out Chloe was sick. It is a lot all at one time. Anticipating the 1 year anniversary of her death. Remembering. Missing her. Thinking about what the future holds.

There are still moments of fear about the future. I am hopeful, but also aware that things often don't turn out the way I plan. It feels like a jumbled mess of emotions, hormones and tears sometimes. I keep reminding myself that we'll get through it. If we could get through living it last year, we can get through remembering it this year. I'm just sad.

I know that I'll never forget Chloe. But I also recognize that life fills up over time. I miss my mom so much, especially at times like this, yet the pain and the loss are different now than they were 24 years ago. I'm grateful for the healing that has taken place since her loss. But it made me think, what will I remember about Chloe 24 years from now? It won't be as fresh in my mind. I'll have additional Labor & Delivery memories, grown children, grand nieces & nephews...life will look very different. I wonder where Chloe will fit in then?

This is my crazy mind jumping forward way beyond what I can fathom. And it is probably part of the grief process. I remember similar feelings of fear after losing my mom. Will I forget her? And of course, I never could. And I know I'll never forget Chloe. Letting go is difficult. And I guess as we begin to plan for our new baby, I realize that in some ways I will need to let go a little because my focus will be on our new child. It makes me sad - I wish we could have two little ones to care for.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense. It helps to get it out of my head.

Our next appointment is Monday. We should receive the blood test results from the first trimester screening. Everything looked good in the ultrasound, but it will be nice to have confirmation from the blood work.

Thank you for your prayers. We appreciate them!

Hope you like the music - it only took me 11 months to add the playlist. :o)